The real feelings of disappointment.

I wanted to write this post while this is fresh on my heart and mind. I think it will benefit me to get these emotions out...(maybe someone out there will be able to relate and it will help them too!)  

Today was the day I went for my sonogram at the Carenet pg center. It's free and it's not diagnostic but just a quick peek into the womb. It's always such a blessing to see baby and know they are really snuggled in there.

A friend took me today and with a very full bladder I went in the back and up on the table. A picture of the baby was instantly on the screen moving and wiggling. And me, I was sad. Yes, sad...Why, you ask, was I sad? The baby was there looking healthy, wiggling and so cute..but I was sad.

Since I became pg I felt so strongly that it was twins again this time. (For those that don't know, I had twins in 2002 and my twin daughter RuthAnne died at 27 days old) I prayed about it and asked for signs and yes my prayers were answered and I had what I thought were signs this was twins. Everything kept pointing to twins. My 15 yr. old daughter was even sure it was twins and had a dream it was also.

I asked during the sonogram if she was sure it wasn't twins and she said yes, it is just one.

My emotions were raw...I felt like crying and I was angry. What was the deal with all the signs and prayers answered, etc if it was never twins?? I may never understand any of it!!

I felt like the weight gain and sickies and all pregnancy brings were worth it if I was blessed with twins but with one? I don't know..do it all again??

I know, my attitude wasn't the best. But it's real. I'm real and being a family that trusts Father with their fertility and accepts each baby when Father gives us that baby isn't always easy. I submit my will to His and I trust Him...and yes, sometimes like now, I question and my trust falters...

I talked with my friend about it all and she encouraged me. She got it. She understood.

And I talked with myself and Father and I still am...

I am thankful for this baby. Excited even! Every life is precious..And I know that I am beyond blessed. I know some women can not have even one sweet child.

I wanted twins because still to this day I feel that a precious dream and hope for the future was ripped away from me. I've chosen to trust Father with all the reasons but the wound is still as sore today all these years later as when I lost my baby girl and my twins. I prayed for them for 7 years. They were fought for with much prayer. And then they were gone...something too good to be true..

I wanted to have twins and to finally have restored to me what the locusts have eaten as scripture says..I wanted restoration...

And yet it escapes me...

I love this little baby blessing growing inside of me. Am I disappointed it's not twins? Yes, I am. Very much so! That doesn't mean I do not value what I have. It means I am still grieving what I lost.

And you know what? It's ok. He knows. He's a big God certainly capable of carrying me through this just as He has carried me through so many hurts and disappointments life has brought me.

So I'll cry and let myself feel and be angry and then count my blessings one by one and move on...
No, the hurt won't go away and the loss of my daughter and my twins won't ever be alright. It will always ache but He'll give me what I need to take one step and then another and another.

Beauty for ashes...beauty for ashes...