Monday, 01 February 2010
couldn't stop the tears...
It was simply a list of my dh and I and our children but her name was missing. It just was not there! An instant lump in my throat and sobs begin to well up from my stomach. I bit my lip to keep from crying. I had to leave and escape so I could hurt and cry!
The tires were spinning and so was my mind. Why wasn't her name included? It may be easy for others to forget her or let it slide but not me! I know it's hard to understand what it's like to lose a child. It's not a miscarriage or a stillbirth..the pain goes much deeper..I lost my baby girl. I not only carried her for 9 months but I kissed her and loved her. I changed her poopy dipes and soothed away her tears. I prayed over her hoping with everything in me for healing. I nursed her at my breast willing my breastmilk to make her better, to help her in some small way.
Just because they didn't know her doesn't mean she isn't real. Isn't my daughter. Doesn't still live in my heart and mind and memory!
She is a part of our family...RuthAnne Michelle named after her mama..
I won't exclude her. I won't ignore my pain or pretend to make youfeel better. She is my baby girl!
She was my heart and with her death a part of it died..
There is no time limit on grief and at times hits so hard it takes your breath away...
I couldn't stop the tears anymore than I could stop the earth from spinning.
Quotes from an awesome book!
Unassisted Homebirth; An Act of Love............
Some great quotes from the above book.......
Conformity is safe and easy.
A doctor, trying to dissuade a woman from a homebirth said, "Your baby could die." The woman countered, "Babies die in hospitals all the time." Thats different." the doctor replied. And the woman said, "Not really. They are just as dead."
I have a strong commitment to homebirth. I am unwilling to bend to the rules of "the sytsem," many of which are arbitrary. I have a desire for a deeper spiritual, emotional experience.
Women who use such phrases as "they allowed me" and "give me something for pain" position themselves to become victims.
Birth requires patience and trust. Patience and trust enter the lives of those who are open to it. Laboring women need time and space for concentration, which is best done in the absence of noise.
Our culture has not yet acknowledged that birth has such lasting impressions on the woman, the man and their relationship. As a result, our way of giving birth in America fails to provide a woman with a deeply enriching birth experience.
Saturday, 30 January 2010
My project..
I have a new project! I asked for a dresser on freecycle and was given one. It's old but with a little TLC it will be so sweet and cute. A place to house my two babies clothes..
I picked out the color of paint today. My son Josiah & Zeke are going to do the painting for me and then we're going to stencil some baby type designs on the dresser and get new knobs for it! It's going to be just perfect..:):)
Here are the before pictures..
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Thursday, 28 January 2010
Reasons for my pregnancy blog..
Baby ahava was head down and then turned transverse..this little blessing is moving all over in my womb! Today I was able to feel baby's little elbow poking me. I love feeling all those sweet baby parts as they kick and hit me...:)
I am glad for now that baby has moved up and movements also as when baby is lower in my pelvis it can hurt quite a bit..
The chiro adjustments are helping with my pelvis/hips, etc..issues. I am so thankful for that! And for the most part with the sciatica also..
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I have been thinking on what I want to accomplish with this pregnancy blog..
I want to have all of my pregnancy experiences some place for myself and my children.
I want a place mama's can come and learn how to have a relaxed and enjoyable pregnancy without all the poking and prodding done by so many Ob's and unfortunately those midwives that are more like Ob's than midwives. I know that there are many midwives that are hands off and those ones are precious for those mama's who want to use them.
I want to encourage women to know their own bodies and babies and not rely on someone else to know for them!
I want to encourage them to learn to measure their own fundus, palpate uterus and to be able to distinguish baby's limbs and body parts..
I want to encourage mama's that they and their dh's can check dilation of cervix and effacement. And check for baby's position..
If you can read and you have a desire to know than there are so many midwifery texts and books that will teach you and that you can learn from. Also hands on practice on your own precious body during pg..
Thats how I have learned..
I have spent the last 15 years reading and studying midwifery..
I read lots of books and texts..I have attended a friend's births and been pregnant 12 times myself. My dh learned to check effacement and dilation from midwifery books, etc.. We birth at home and my babies are birthed into daddy's hands. We cut our own babies cords and do the apgar scoring for baby..We make sure my uterus is contracting and manage any heavy bleeding we encounter.. we make sure we are informed and knowledgeable about any and every situation that can arise.
Hospitals and drs. have a place in health care..
If there was an emergency we would certainly seek their help..
Pregnancy is not a disease! Birth is not something that needs to be treated and managed.
I guess the most important thing besides having this for my children and myself is that women know that they have a choice...and what those choices are...
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
Open..
I am much more open to the work of the Spirit in my heart when pregnant. I am much more passionate and emotional. I love feeling so much passion for things. Being open to what Elohim has for me!
This pregnancy has been a time of relearning many things that I thought I knew but found I did not..
And oh, the joy that feels my heart that I am getting to know my Father more than I did just 6 1/2 months ago!
My eyes have been opened to much of the things that before were hidden to me.. I was blind but now I see...
There is a joy and love inside of me for His word thats new! It's amazing the treasures we find when we dig deeper in that treasure box.
I love to sit and watch my belly move..I rub my sweet belly knowing that I am in love with this baby! Deep love beyond words..
Thats what Father feels for me...
I say to little ahava, "I love you ahava! I love you so very much! "
And the Father says, " I love you Jewel!" I love you so very much!"
I am the apple of His eye.. His bride...His creation times two...
I love you Elohim! I love you so very much!!
May my words and actions give you glory always! May this new life be consecrated to you..
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